So, it’s been a couple months since I posted anything new. My last post was the realest thing I’ve written and it felt great. What didn’t tho was all the negativity slung around by fellow gays about BLM TO and well, black folk in general. True colours were shown and it was nothing like the empowering colours of our rainbow.
I’m used to a more subtle, indirect type of racism here in Canada. But after the BLM TO sit-in it was smack in my face, running all my feeds and was the main topic of conversation with all the other queens I know. I’m here for open discussion but when discussions dodge the actual problem and harps on how uncomfortable black assertiveness makes non-black folk feel or how happy we- black folk- should be for being ‘included’- it ain’t worth shit. Being a black gay in Toronto this past summer just wasn’t nice- half the community was against you while the other half hopped on and off the bandwagon simply to be political, edgy or fake-progressive- until shit got too real that is. It wore me out. And my self image deteriorated.
I’m not ashamed of my blackness- I just wasn’t fond of the way it was being portrayed as something vile, something not worthy of inclusion and something too easily associated with anger, resentment and hate. I even had to defend how “black I was” because according to a clueless friend- I don’t sling dope, use shitty english and I have a job. Like, you really wanna jump off and tell me to what degree you consider me black? And since when does any of that define an entire group of people anyway? My weed dealer’s white- but I don’t label all white people drug dealers. The hypocrisy is sickening from a community that revolts against being stereotyped and judged yet has no problem doing it to others.
These issues were always here, they just weren’t openly acknowledged. And while I personally dislike all the race talk for the division it creates it’s important to understand that the impact runs deeper than the surface issues. If you constantly hear and read negative shit about yourself you eventually start to believe it. And that’s what happened to me over the last two months- I allowed the ignorance to get to me and fuck with my self confidence and self worth.
Took some time but the light in all this is that I learned to love myself all over again, regardless of the colour of my skin, my heritage or my culture. Self acceptance is a process and we can’t allow negativity in any form to break us, ever. Or taint our image of one another. Stand for what you believe in, accept yourself for whoever you are and just do you!