The point of hooking up is that you don’t have to commit to pointless conversations, uncomfortable eye contact or anything other than sex. If I wanted something meaningful I probably won’t  have you over at 11 pm the first time we meet. So why do guys make a simple one time deal to shag a sordid 10 mins of  awkward head to elbow collisions?

Hooking-up should be a negotiation between two people where you both agree on how things are gonna play out.  You won’t make a major life decision without negotiating the pro’s & cons. Same should apply to hooking up. It’s bad enough I’m about to offer up my goodies for the sake of getting off. Might as well make sure I get my jollies worth.

So because so many guys get it terribly wrong, here’s some basic hook up etiquette that every gay guy should subscribe to:

• This is basic but shower (with soap). Brush your teeth. And put on clean drawers. Unless instructed otherwise.
• Don’t be late. I’ll lose interest.. among other things. And you can be replaced as easily as you were found.
• Don’t share pics from 5 summers ago. I’ve got the nuts to turn you away at the door cause I don’t recognize you.
• Save yourself the face plant: don’t lie about your age. I can tell you’re 60 and not 45. Not that anything’s wrong with being 60. Just be real.
• Use your indoor voice. My neighbours don’t need to know I’m getting off. Before it even happens.
• Don’t snoop. Why do you care what’s in my bathroom cabinet? You’re not planning on moving in, are you?
• Keep the exchange to a polite minimum. It’s not a date. You can talk annd take your clothes off at the same time.
• Don’t lie about your status. It’s our responsibility to look out for each other’s health in addition to our own.
• Don’t be a dick if someone’s honest enough to reveal a positive status. It’s 2015, educate yourself about current preventative measures. And be respectful in your approach.
• When it’s over, it’s over. Get your shit together and move along. I’m not kicking you out. But you’re not welcome to stay 30 mins after the fact. Unless there’s a zombie apocalypse.
• Talking dirty is cool if it comes naturally. Don’t force it. We’re not on x-tube.
• Don’t steal the poppers. They’re out-lawed here in Canada.
• Unless negotiated beforehand, leave your racial fantasies at home. I won’t be your slave. Or thug.  And I won’t invite a “few friends” over to gang-bang you.
• Be yourself. Confidence is a turn on.
• It’s a small world. If we bump into each other again, a simple nod of acknowledgement is appropriate.

Happy hunting boys!